kimea. where have the butterflies gone?

Hey guys,

please re-edit my links on wherever youve got them!

KIMEAS NEW BLOG! : http://www.kimeabites.blogspot.com

thank you!

hey guys (:

thanks for reading my blog! no, its not going to stop but yes, IM MOVING MY BLOG!
am moving back to blogspot.com just because its easier for html and all sorts of that. yea (:

though please do understand that its new? and i will need some time for CONSTRUCTION okay? lolls.
love y’all!

ill tag again to let you know my new URL (: loves.

enquires?
meagan_in_dance@hotmail.com or just sms me. (comment on me or add me on msn if u need my number)

Its funny how things really work, have u ever thought about that?
Like the most important part of my body? and i really no nothing much about at all!
*ahem* THE BRAIN, that is.

I find it sadly weird that im always the one with the last thought about things and the last to understand or get something!
Like i know im creative, cause thats my gift! im a talented person.

I play many instruments (drums, guitar, piano, electone, violin, flute and yes, the recorder!)
I even used to teach the drums and the violin.
Im good at singing, im the lead singer in my band and I DANCE!
reknown choreographer, to have you know! but yet.. wtf?!

My friends tell me im good at planning things and they tell me that im good at reacting to in-prompt-to stuff (like i think really fast when it comes to a fast needed environment)

Okay, so maybe it relates to my acadamic lifestyle?
Mathematics? well, i suck at it cause i hate it more than cats.
Biography? well, im quite good at it; a B-A scorer.
Chemistry? LOVES IT, yes sir!
English? Always an A scorer. Never below 85, never.
Chinese? oh please, dont even start with me! lets just say its because i cant even pronounce it right?
Nurition? SO good at it, i just hate the big projects.
Design? its my forte, i guess. lolls.
Art? NAH, please. i love art in many ways but i just cant draw, unless u like kiddy drawing-like stuff ((:

My social life is a blessing. so fuck off!  *laughs*
Im good at being social and making friends kinda thing. Im better with connecting with adults though.
Only downfall? personally, this is what i think..
you either like me, or you hate me, or ure just jealous. i get that alot so im immuned to it. BYE BITCHES!

I like random things.
Like random tv ads or tv shows?
Random thoughts and i love random colours!
Like brown , hot pink and lime green, thats cool. black, greys and greens are hot DD

Im a play and laugh it off kinda person. I hardly see anything WRONG in me but ohwells! things do go wrong sometimes. haha.

*LAUGHS IT OFF!*

i dont know if its just stupid, dumb or if its me or whatever it may be..
i feel like im in some mini war zone with the entire species of plecos and tropical fish in victory for ken!

yea yea, laugh ur head off all u want.
i wont be able to hear it anyway!
but i do feel, like at times, he treats fish better than me! )):
YES, IM JEALOUS. no denial to that 100%.

know why?
ive always told ken that id rather not spend or buy stuff for and on myself to save money to take the both of us out for like a day. its been rather hard to do so cause e hardly saves and itll take me awhile to save up enough. but today, suddenly, he bought his $35 mango pleco; sounds nice? acutally a pleco, is just another name for a suckerfish =.= i actually felt hurt when he told me after he bought the fish that hes been saving to get the pleco and one for me too, and hes actually been saving for the tank build-up. but than, why is it when its cause of the tank that its such a spree saving and that he IS able to save alot in such a short time? ): it may mean nothing to him but maybe he doesnt see me really trying to scrimp and save at times to get stuff and to really want us to go out! weve never done that before, other than on our 1 year anni that we went to sakae sushi for a buffet, with that, even i initiated that months beforehand to let him know.

i hate fish now, especially PLECOS AND OSCARS! dumb tropicals.

kenny and i?
well, its sad to kinda admit but it is true..
WE’VE BEEN BETTER. and i know we will be, in time!

its been really rough on us, well, at least on me.
i dont really know whats going on in his head or in his heart to say the least but i know things werent they way it was.
i know people would just say that “people change luh”
but i feel this little gap, a tiny distance come and attack me from behind like just overnight.

its truly horrid to feel this way.
i bet jen would be screaming from heaven “ITS A TINY GAP!!!”
but selfish me? i wanna be with kenny. i dont want a fuckng gap.

u hear me, little gap?
I DONT FUCKING WANT YOU!
ure messing me up. hmph!

recently, its really been all about him and his fish.
he doesnt like hold me like he used to or randomly kiss me or wanna take me every single where he goes.
its been more like, u are u and i am me kinda thingy.
it sucks.

im kinda trying to save money now for the things we want to buy whenever we go out.
its frustrating to always see s wanting to buy something on the spot and go home frowny cause we dont have the money or enough of it to get it.
but then again, im finding it harder to save!
weve been eating out, buying 7eleven and going to sheng shiong. not forgetting, doing our tanks.

i want our all our anniversaries to be special and memorable, but i dont really think he sees it this way ):
im guessing he sees it more like “im already with u, so yea!”

the only thing that has made me upset through this year has been countable. so thats good.
the problems, the quarrells..
but the thing that kinda really hurt me the most was when we didnt manage to celebrate my birthday.
i mean, noone did, noone remembered ):

and its not like he forgot or anything.
we just didnt celebrate it or buy a cake or go shopping or get presents and he didnt wish me when it turned 12-strucked midnight until i asked him..
i was really looking forward to my first birthday celebration with kenny, just seems like it was a one-way thought.

sometimes, he really does and says things (maybe unknowingly) that really hurts me.
and it often makes me wonder if he still feels for me the way he used to or the way he sayd it out to be..

alex told me before, sometimes its not that he doesnt love u.
its just that sometimes some people just dont feel like loving anyone at that particular moment or time, and it really doesnt mean he doesnt love u.
kenny and i exchange our i love yous everyday at least once.
im just hoping that one thing doesnt change..
when we first met, kenny told me this: “i dont say i love u until the time that i know i do” and he didnt until about 2 months after we got together.
he used to remind me that “i love u” is not just words nor just phrases. it means something and it has to be true.
i just pray to jen, god and my lucky stars that it hasnt changed and that he still says it cause he means it (:

i know ken is really handicapped at expressing himself, but maybe..
i just feel like this relationship isnt really like how it used to be (now with that little gap) and all.
maybe the gap is there just cause hes bad at expressing himself and i feel the lack of expression of how he feels? im just assuming luh.

i want my baby kenny back; like the way we used to be.
i really miss him and all i can hold on now is to babytaz and pray that kenken will learn to my more love-expressive or just the way he always used to make he feel truly loved.

but no matter what? i love my kenny ng cheng wei ((:

homosexuality?
i really dont get what the big fuss is all about.

yea, i do agree that its kinda a taboo or a “badthing” to certain cultures and religions.
but affection is affection, love is love.
likes its written, LOVE HOLDS NO BOUNDARIES!

the guys that i know arent gays (wished i had one or two though)
but they do have views on lesbians — disgusting, confused girls and sensual.

the girls that i know, well.. some thinks gays are weird and yucky. but others like me, well.. we think theyre interesting, good with fashion and really cool to be friends with!

i mean please luh, dont go looking for a gay or lesbian to announce it to the whole world just to embarrass them to to “show off”. theyre humans too. just more, unique!

im not ashamed to admit that i was one. but so, whatthehell, thats what i chose to be. and its my choice not to be one anymore. i really dont see why people should make theyre views based on what they feel and think but by just accepting it. like HELLO? noones asking u to be unique.

came home from a long night today ):
was just thinking about things baby has been telling me recently.
i kinda realised that shawn? well, hes just really not for me.
u may ask, so why the dreams?
well, dreams are just dreams. its nothing important. hes just as insignificant as leon and hafiz.
i just need to learn to see him nowadays not as an ex or someone who i had quarrells with in the past.

IMMA MOVING ON, STWR! haha.
i have been actually, i just guess u havent gotten the hint from it since then.
its officially open now okay? im through with u.
the good times were great but all u are to me is just my dance partner. and imma keeping it that way.
im true to kenny so i wanna say this..
I LOVE KENNY NG CHENG WEI!!!!!!

i find it all so suprising as in, everythings happening within the week.
the stwr thing, with the cheryl and the shocking drama yesterday in church.
the coming home, realising my little box of green m&ms that hafiz gave me 2 years ago just got thrown out because my mom was cleaning up my room.
honestly, i felt abit sad when i realised it was gone. it kinda cheered me up at times.
no no, not the fact that it came from hafiz.. more of the fact that it was green m&ms and ive never seen as many in a bottle before (:
well, hes the past and maybe its a sign that even that little bottle of m&ms should be history too. hee.

im just waiting for the day ken will remember to celebrate my birthday ):
hmm.
ken got me a baby taz, a famous stars and straps tee and a pair of giordano shorts for christmas. wonder what hell get me for my birthday. hee (((:

today kinda rough for me ):
its dumb, but im feeling all irritated by myself.

i hardly get to use the comp nowadays so excuse my “holes” in my blogging..
sucky, i know.

was really looking forward (kinda) for FOP tonight — Festival Of Praise.
but it was really not even to my expectation.
it just really seemed fucking boring, which is weird cause ive always liked going for FOP.
its just dumb cause its all CHINESE-Y and weird!!!!!

this morning, got woken up by MISS ETHEL and her sms (:
but yes, knowing myself, i went back to slumber land. haha.
*ethel, ignore this k? i was WIDE AWAKE!!!!

baby woke me up after (:
nothing better than to wake up listening to his grunts (: *ahem, i mean voice (((:

well, the days are quickly passing by. and sooner or later, id be saying..
BMTC, HERE I COME! haha.
but i wanna bring my babytaz and kenken along though. hmm. wonder if theyll let me (:

funny how this works.
mr bodybuilder, farhan.

hes 19 yet a bodybuilder alr.
super happy to have known him.
hes darn interesting, another friend i can call “OPEN-MINDED”

he may really look like a scary giant, but hes really not.
hes somewhat like me, in thinking. haha.
which is good, easy to talk to.

but than again!
haha, people might find that disturbing.. 
2 kimberly thinkers. haha.
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD!

funny how his girl friends dont like big guys.
i find big guys more assuring; like kenny!

glas to know u farhan! (:
goodluck with ur exam..

This is my first post, so dont judge me yea? (: haha.

ive been thinking about everything and im starting to realize, things are going swell.
but maybe because im selfish or if im just not impressed? im not feeling any happier.

im missing my friends, im missing people ive recently lost.
its hard to just wake up, smile, start the day and smile myself to sleep.
it just seems so impossible.

i know i cant put on a front to act like ive gotten over things.
i have!
but yea, i cant kid myself cause i havent. well? not really.
things that just remind me of ***, well.. its hard to accept that theyre gone.

i know sometimes, its my fault.
but than again, whats done is done.
ken tells me that notings to be regretted, but really?
how not to?

i trust ken, and i know he loves me.
so i guess, thats all i have and thats all ill hold on to.

so, what hurts the most?
that, im not absolutely sure.

im just glad kens by me.
ill just keep my loves at heart.
guess thats all i can do now.. (: